Why is six afraid of seven?
-----------------------Because seven eight nine.
What do you call your father-in-law's only child's mother-in-law?
-----------------------Mom.
Why do lions eat raw meat?
-----------------------Because they never learn to cook.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
-----------------------To get to the other side.
Why did the fox cross the road?
-----------------------To get the chicken.
Why did the gum cross the road?
-----------------------It was on the chicken’s foot.
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
-----------------------To prove it was not a chicken.
Why did the weasel cross the road twice?
-----------------------He was a double crosser.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
-----------------------It didn’t have the guts.
What goes up a chimney down, but won't go down a chimney up?
-----------------------Ann umbrella.
What's black and white and red all over?
-----------------------A zebra that doesn’t know how to put lipstick on.
What is the largest ant in the world?
-----------------------An elephant.
How much is a skunk worth?
-----------------------One scent.
What kind of monkey can fly?
-----------------------A hot air baboon.
Why did the cake like to play baseball?
-----------------------Because it was a good batter.
What goes hahaha, plop?
-----------------------Someone laughing their head off.
Why didn't the lady run away from the attacking lion?
-----------------------They told her it was a maneating lion.
Why has no one ever spotted a leopard in Africa?
-----------------------Because leopards are already born with spots.
What did the banana do when it heard the ice scream?
-----------------------It split.
Swings by his thigh a thing most magical! Below the belt, beneath the folds of his clothes it hangs, a hole in its front end, stiff-set and stout, but swivels about. Levelling the head of this hanging instrument, its wielder hoists his hem above the knee: it is his will to fill a well-known hole that it fits fully when at full length. He has often filled it before. Now he fills it again.
----------------------- a key
I'm the world's wonder, for I make women happy --a boon to the neighborhood, a bane to no one,
though I may perhaps prick the one who picks me. I am set well up, stand in a bed, have a roughish root. Rarely (though it happens) a churl's daughter more daring than the rest --and lovelier! --lays hold of me, and lays me in larder.
She learns soon enough, the curly-haired creature who clamps me so, of my meeting with her: moist is her eye!
-----------------------an onion
A young man made for the corner where he knew she was standing; this strapping youth had come some way--with his own hands he whipped up her dress, and under her girdle (as she stood there) thrust something stiff, worked his will; they both shook. This fellow quickened: one moment he was forceful, a first rate servant, so strenuous that the next he was knocked up, quite blown by his exertion. Beneath the girdle a thing began to grow that upstanding men often think of, tenderly, and acquire.
----------------------- dough
I'm told a certain something grows in its pouch, swells and stands up, lifts its covering. A proud bride grasped that boneless wonder, the daughter of a king covered that swollen thing with clothing.
-----------------------a churn
A lovely woman, a lady, often locked me in a chest; at times she took me out with her fingers, and gave me to her lord and loyal master, just as he asked. Then he poked his head inside me, pushed it up until it fitted tightly. I, adorned, was bound to be filled with something rough if the loyal lord
could keep it up. Guess what I mean.
----------------------- helmet
Who makes it, has no need of it. Who buys it, has no use for it. Who uses it can neither see nor feel it.
---------------------coffin
Tell me what a dozen rubber trees with thirty boughs on each might be?
---------------------Months of the year
As I went over London Bridge I met my sister Jenny I broke her neck and drank her blood And left her standing empty.
---------------------Gin
It is said among my people that some things are improved by death. Tell me, what stinks while living, but in death, smells good?
---------------------Pig
All right. Riddle me this: what goes through the door without pinching itself? What sits on the stove without burning itself? What sits on the table and is not ashamed?
---------------------the Sun
What work is it that the faster you work, the longer it is before you're done, and the slower you work, the sooner you're finished?
--------------------- roasting meat on a spit
Whilst I was engaged in sitting I spied the dead carrying the living.
--------------------- a ship
I know a word of letters three. Add two, and fewer there will be.
--------------------- 'few'
I give you a group of three. One is sitting down, and will never get up. The second eats as much as is given to him, yet is always hungry. The third goes away and never returns.
--------------------- stove, fire, and smoke
Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. And whoever knows it wants it not.
--------------------- counterfeit money
Two words, my answer is only two words. To keep me, you must give me. Solution your word Sir, I bear a rhyme excelling In mystic force and magic spelling Celestial sprites elucidate All my own striving can't relate
--------------------- Pi (digits given by length of words)
There is not wind enough to twirl That one red leaf, nearest of its clan, Which dances as often as dance it can.
--------------------- the sun, Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Half-way up the hill, I see thee at last Lying beneath me with thy sounds and sights -- A city in the twilight, dim and vast, With smoking roofs, soft bells, and gleaming lights.
--------------------- the past, Longfellow
I am, in truth, a yellow fork
From tables in the sky
By inadvertent fingers dropped
The awful cutlery.
Of mansions never quite disclosed
And never quite concealed
The apparatus of the dark
To ignorance revealed.
--------------------- lightning, Emily Dickinson
Many-maned scud-thumper,
Maker of worn wood,
Shrub-ruster,
Sky-mocker,
Rave!
Portly pusher,
Wind-slave.
--------------------- John Updike
Make me thy lyre, even as the forests are.
What if my leaves fell like its own --
The tumult of thy mighty harmonies
Will take from both a deep autumnal tone.
--------------------- the west wind, Percy Bysshe Shelley
This darksome burn, horseback brown,
His rollock highroad roaring down,
In coop and in comb the fleece of his foam
Flutes and low to the body falls home.
--------------------- river, Gerard Manley Hopkins
I've measured it from side to side,
'Tis three feet long and two feet wide.
It is of compass small, and bare
To thirsty suns and parching air.
--------------------- the grave of a child, Wordsworth
My love, when I gaze on thy beautiful face,
Careering along, yet always in place --
The thought has often come into my mind
If I ever shall see thy glorious behind.
--------------------- the moon, Sir Edmund Gosse
Then all thy feculent majesty recalls
The nauseous mustiness of forsaken bowers,
The leprous nudity of deserted halls --
The positive nastiness of sullied flowers.
And I mark the colours, yellow and black,
That fresco thy lithe, dictatorial thighs.
--------------------- spider, Francis Saltus Saltus
When young, I am sweet in the sun.
When middle-aged, I make you gay.
When old, I am valued more than ever.
--------------------- wine
I am always hungry,
I must always be fed,
The finger I lick
Will soon turn red.
--------------------- fire
All about, but cannot be seen,
Can be captured, cannot be held,
No throat, but can be heard.
--------------------- Wind
I am only useful
When I am full,
Yet I am always
Full of holes.
--------------------- sieve (or sponge)
If you break me
I do not stop working,
If you touch me
I may be snared,
If you lose me
Nothing will matter.
--------------------- Heart
If a man carried my burden
He would break his back.
I am not rich,
But leave silver in my track.
--------------------- Snail
Until I am measured
I am not known,
Yet how you miss me
When I have flown.
--------------------- Time
I drive men mad
For love of me,
Easily beaten,
Never free.
--------------------- Gold
When set loose
I fly away,
Never so cursed
As when I go astray.
--------------------- A fart
I go around in circles
But always straight ahead,
Never complain
No matter where I am led.
--------------------- Wagon wheel
Lighter than what
I am made of,
More of me is hidden
Than is seen.
--------------------- iceberg
I turn around once,
What is out will not get in.
I turn around again,
What is in will not get out.
--------------------- stopcock
Each morning I appear
To lie at your feet,
All day I will follow
No matter how fast you run,
Yet I nearly perish
In the midday sun.
--------------------- Shadow
Bright as diamonds,
Loud as thunder,
Never still,
A thing of wonder.
--------------------- waterfall? (fireworks?)
My life can be measured in hours,
I serve by being devoured.
Thin, I am quick
Fat, I am slow
Wind is my foe.
--------------------- candle
To unravel me
You need a simple key,
No key that was made
By locksmith's hand,
But a key that only I
Will understand.
--------------------- cipher
I am seen in the water
If seen in the sky,
I am in the rainbow,
A jay's feather,
And lapis lazuli.
--------------------- blue
Glittering points
That downward thrust,
Sparkling spears
That never rust.
--------------------- icicle
You heard me before,
Yet you hear me again,
Then I die,
'Till you call me again.
--------------------- echo
Three lives have I.
Gentle enough to soothe the skin,
Light enough to caress the sky,
Hard enough to crack rocks.
--------------------- water
You can see nothing else
When you look in my face,
I will look you in the eye
And I will never lie.
--------------------- your reflection
Lovely and round,
I shine with pale light,
grown in the darkness,
A lady's delight.
--------------------- pearl
At the sound of me, men may dream
Or stamp their feet
At the sound of me, women may laugh
Or sometimes weep
--------------------- music
When I am filled
I can point the way,
When I am empty
Nothing moves me,
I have two skins
One without and one within.
--------------------- glove
My tines be long,
My tines be short
My tines end ere
My first report.
What am I?
--------------------- lightning
With thieves I consort,
With the vilest, in short,
I'm quite at ease in depravity;
Yet all divines use me,
And savants can't lose me,
For I am the center of gravity.
--------------------- The letter 'v'.
As a whole, I am both safe and secure.
Behead me, and I become a place of meeting.
Behead me again, and I am the partner of ready.
Restore me, and I become the domain of beasts.
What am I?
--------------------- stable
I sought my first in starry skies
Where shines the April sun;
My second came before my eyes,
And warned me to be done.
'Tis very hard to lose one's sight;
I'm blind as bat or mole;
Once hills and fields were my delight,
Now I'm no more my whole.
Solution ?
My first is high,
My second damp,
My whole a tie,
A writer's cramp.
Solution ?
A hundred and one
by fifty divide,
And if a cipher
is rightly applied,
The answer is one from nine.
Solution ?
What does man love more than life
Fear more than death or mortal strife
What the poor have, the rich require,
and what contented men desire,
What the miser spends and the spendthrift saves
And all men carry to their graves?
--------------------- nothing
I build up castles.
I tear down mountains.
I make some men blind,
I help others to see.
What am I?
--------------------- sand
Ripped from my mother's womb,
Beaten and burned,
I become a blood-thirsty slayer
What am I?
--------------------- iron ore